I’ve Adopted an Alias

10 Oct

Dossier

I have a secret.

I’ve adopted an alias.

It’s what every International Woman of Mystery needs, no? The assumed identity. The also known as. The chosen moniker that allows one to transform. To step outside oneself. Beyonce has Sasha Fierce when she steps on stage. Norma Jean dyed her hair blonde and became Marilyn Monroe. Lula Mae: disappeared from her humble Texas beginnings and re-emerged in New York City as one Ms. Holly Golightly.

These are all women who changed their names and became stronger, more sophisticated, more dazzling versions of themselves. Anybody could do that, you know? It’s the pen name that frees the authoress. So that she can be free to say whatever she wants. It’s the Starbucks name that you use on the other side of town, because you can. Because the barista will just call out whatever name is written on the cup and no one will be any the wiser. And then, in that moment – however small and brief – you are allowed to be anybody. Anything that you want.

In some ways, all this – this new life in Denver – is kind of like that moment. Only bigger.

It started as a bit of a protective measure. When he broke up with me, when I left Boston, I didn’t want anyone to know me anymore. I changed my number. Didn’t tell a soul where I was going. I didn’t want anyone to know, but especially not him. Why should he get to know where I am now? It may seem a bit extreme, but it felt necessary. It also just felt pretty damn good. And so I kept going. Cashed out the savings and closed the account. Changed every login name and password for anything that could be used to track me, in case he bothered to look.

At least for the time being, I do not desire to be found. Removed myself from social media. The Facebook account with all the smiling pictures of us? All his awful friends who added me as courtesy but then never cared to know me? What business is it of anyone’s who I am or what I do with my life from here on out? Deleted. Gone. All gone.

I thought it would feel sad or strange. But actually, it was exhilarating. Empowering even.

When you leave, like I did. When your life is screaming at you. When you escape. Blindly. Stumbling. Numb. Suddenly. In a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-skirt kind of way. With only a handful of your things in a couple of suitcases. Without destination. Without a plan. Without answers. Well. When you leave like that, you don’t look back. It isn’t an option. You can only look forward. You can only keep running.

When I bought that ticket, when I stepped on that plane, I felt something I had never felt before. I can’t be sure what it was or what it meant. I only know that I shed my skin somewhere over the Midwest. In that moment, I became someone else. And I think that someone deserves a name of her own.

I call her Jenny G.

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One Response to “I’ve Adopted an Alias”

  1. sanseilife 10/20/2015 at 10:27 AM #

    You got me with the Alias, who doesn’t want an Alias? A secret life too!

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