I Was Done a Long Time Ago

1 Nov

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“What did you do?”

I finally talked to my mother. I’ve been here four weeks and, though I emailed her a vague story about leaving Boston, told her I’d changed my number, ignored her calls, this was the first time I told her the full story.

“What did you do?” she asked when I told her Jake wasn’t in love with me anymore.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled and immediately wished I would have responded more defiantly. He’s not going where I’m going, The International Woman of Mystery would have said.

“What about the wedding?” she asked, that question loaded with so many others: What will her friends think? How would it reflect on me that I failed in my marriage before it even started? Would I get the deposits back?

You go from a high to a low so fast.

With my first triumphant mission of dining solo in public, I felt empowered to be out in the world on my own. In two seconds, my mother’s insecurities could wash that all away. She could still get the best of me.

So I cried. I told her about packing up and leaving Boston. I got totally caught up in the shame, and then sympathy, from my mother. I told her I was lonely in Denver. Her voice softened. She sounded worried. I was falling down a slope of self-pity.

“Why don’t you just move home?” she finally offered. “You’ll feel so much better and you know people here. Let’s get you back into yoga, and you could start eating well again. You’ll lose those extra pounds and he’ll see you on the Facebook and he’ll come around.”

Some things never fucking change.

After I got off the phone with her, I cried for another two hours, and spent the rest of the night numbing myself with TV.

I talked to my friends this week too.

“You’re overreacting,” a Boston friend said. “I get why you had to get away from Jake; I just don’t understand why you had to get away from Boston.”

“Jennifer, you’re not the first person to go through a breakup,” another friend told me. “People get dumped all the time. Most of them don’t up and move to the other side of the country.”

“I mean, why do you think he said he didn’t love you anymore?” another friend asked.

What is wrong with people? A woman makes a stand against a crappy guy by taking a healthy risk and taking back her life and people assume she’s crazy, weak, stupid.

I hope none of you have to experience this kind of unrequited love-heartbreak. But if you do, I hope you feel encouragement and empathy from your friends.

It might be time to make some Denver friends.

–Jennifer

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